My birthday is tomorrow, so I thought I'd impart some of the wisdom I have acquired through years and years of birthdays. Perhaps I will have a good story to tell after the next one, but until then, here is my advice to anyone having a birthday in the next year:
1. Dress up. Birthdays are always more fun when you are wearing your best shoes and a tie, or high heels and a sexy dress (though I would discourage wearing all of these items at the same time). Regardless or what the birthday event is - nightclubs, restaurants, waterparks - dressing in Sunday's Best will get you in the mood to act like a rockstar.
2. Act like a rockstar. It's your freakin' birthday, damnit. Do what you want to do. Now, there are some cases where the birthday girl or guy can get carried away (like throwing a tantrum because you drank the bar out of Whipped Vodka or like that time I demanded that I got to keep everyone's pogs regardless of if I had actually won them or not because it was my birthday and who cares if it's fair!), but in general, you should get to do pretty much whatever you want sans consequences from friends, significant others, local authorities, etc.
3. If your birthday is in the winter, petition to get it changed. Summer birthdays are WAY better. No one wants to go ice skating for your party, even if they pretend to act excited.
4. Don't eat anything. Or if you must, eat only small amounts of safe foods, like triscuits or ketchup. I've seen one too many birthdays ruined because someone said "Oh! we should try that new tapas place!" and ended up home by eight, vomiting and cursing the Spaniards. "But Jommy!" you whine, "if I don't eat anything, I'll get REALLY drunk and end up throwing up anyway." Listen, we're old now; if you haven't figured out how this works yet, you should try another form of self-medication, like prescription drugs or meth. We should all know how to handle our booze by now.
5. Let someone else be in charge of your phone. This practice should ALWAYS be observed when alcohol enters your system, in fact. But especially on your birthday, it is best to appoint a trusty "Second in Command" to handle any and all incoming and outgoing texts, field phone calls from parents and concerned friends ("Where ARE you?!?!...I thought you were DEAD?!?"), and basically make sure that nothing regrettable is done that you may have to deal with the next day, when your birthday rockstar powers have worn off.
6. If your house is big (or shitty, like ours) enough, consider throwing a themed party for your special day. Depending on how amazing and awful your friends are, the money saved on drinking at the bars could outweigh the mess you have to clean up the next day, plus you don't have to worry about getting to your bed (unless you DO have to worry about getting to your bed, in which case you had a GREAT birthday). However, your themed party must go in one of two directions: 1) The theme must be so explicit and simple that everyone will have no choice but to abide by it. Example: "Wear Red." OR 2) The theme must be so confusing and convoluted that no one has any idea what to wear, so they just don the most insane outfit they can get their hands on. Example: "Jesus Christ Superstar VS Transformers."
7. Always opt for experiences over presents. I mean, sure, getting cool stuff is always fun, but unless it's a car (who gets a car for a present, anyway...those Christmas commercials with the car wearing a giant bow are full of shit) or something equally unrealistically extraordinary, one should focus on what they will be doing instead of what they will be getting. This is the time we should be making memories and ruining future careers with embarrassing facebook pictures, right? We can put off the accumulation of junk off for a few more years.
8. Borrow a boombox - I guarantee someone you know still owns one - and carry it with you everywhere. Make a birthday mix. Play it loud everywhere you go, at the gas station and in the supermarket. If your birthday is on a Sunday, take it to church. Everyone will appreciate that you have created a soundtrack for your awesome day, and will likely show this appreciation by grimacing, leaving your immediate vicinity, or calling the police. You must dance non-stop.
9. Don't get your hopes up. Just as with any over-hyped event, a la New Year's Eve or Flag Day, there is always a danger of convincing yourself that this birthday will be the perfect day, the day where you look fucking awesome and your hair is cool and you eat just the right amount of taco bell and there is a F-18 fly over in your honor and all of your exes see you and say "what a mistake we made letting you get away" and you DON'T wipe out on the dance floor and you get laid and everyone has the best night ever. However, while all these things are possible, one should keep their fantasies at an achievable level, such as "I really hope I don't burn my mouth when I come home drunk and make hot pockets later"; this way, anything else that happens after that is a bonus. Birthdayers must live and die by the motto: Hope For The Best, Expect The Worst.
10. Don't, whatever you do, acknowledge your actual age. Unless you are turning 21, it only gets worse from here on out and will make you instantly depressed. If it is your birthday, who gives a shit how old you are? Party like you're going to live forever.
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